Passing Judgment, By Marshall Goldsmith

Here's an interesting article by Marshall Goldsmith, author of What Got You Here Won't Get You There.

Passing Judgment

By Marshall Goldsmith

There’s a cute scene between Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton in the

movie Something’s Gotta Give.  Keaton plays a successful playwright,

while Nicholson is a tycoon with a lothario reputation who happens to

be dating her daughter.  Nicholson is forced to spend a few nights at

Keaton’s lavish home, recovering from a cardiac episode.  He and Keaton

start off loathing each other but eventually have a flirtatious

discussion late one evening in her kitchen.

Keaton says, “I can’t imagine what you think of me.”

The two continue talking, without Nicholson sidestepping the point. 

Keaton, in a not-so-subtle attempt to elicit feedback, brings the

conversation back on point.

“You don’t have to answer that,” she says.

“Okay,” he says agreeably.

“But if you have an opinion, I’d be curious,” says Keaton.

“I think you’re a tower of strength,” replies Nicholson.

“Ugh!” says Keaton.

I know it’s only a movie, but the scene rings true.  Even in the

most intimate moments, we can’t help passing judgment.  We can’t help

ranking what they tell us—lining it up as more, or less, pleasing or

insightful than what we expected them to say.

There’s nothing wrong with offering an opinion in the normal give

and take of business discussions.  You want people to agree or disagree

freely—but it’s not appropriate to pass judgment when we specifically

ask people to voice their opinions about us.

This is true even if you ask a question and agree with the answer. 

Consciously or not, the other person will register your agreement.  And

he or she will remember with great specificity if you don’t agree the

next time.  The contrast is telling, as with the CEO in a meeting

asking for suggestions about a problem and telling one subordinate,

“That’s a great idea.”  Then telling another subordinate, “That’s a

good idea.”  And saying nothing at all to a third subordinate’s

suggestion.  The first individual is probably pleased and encouraged to

have the CEO’s approval.  The second individual is slightly less

pleased.  The third is neither encouraged nor pleased.

You can be sure of two things.  First, everyone in the room has made

a note of the CEO’s rankings.  Second, no matter how well-intentioned

the CEO’s comments are, the net result is that grading people’s

answers—rather than just accepting them without comment—makes people

hesitant and defensive.

People don’t like to be critiqued, however obliquely.  The only sure

thing that comes from passing judgment on people’s efforts to help is

that they won’t help us again.

How do we stop passing judgment, especially when people are honestly trying to help us?

I assure my clients that I am mission neutral.  I don’t judge them

or the changes they try to make.  It’s not my job to weigh in on

whether you’re a good person or bad because you’ve decided to change

Behavior A instead of Behavior B.

It’s the same as a medical doctor—if you walk into the examining

room with a broken leg, the doctor doesn’t pass judgment on how you

broke your leg.  He only cares about fixing it.

You need to extend that same attitude—the doctor’s mission-neutral

purpose—to people trying to help you.  No matter what you privately

think of any helpful suggestion, keep your thoughts to yourself, hear

the person out, and say, “Thank you.”

Try this: for one week treat every idea that comes your way from

another person with complete neutrality.  Think of yourself as a human

Switzerland.  Don’t take sides or express an opinion; don’t judge the

comment.  Just reply, “Thank you.”

After one week, I guarantee you will have significantly reduced the

number of pointless arguments you engage in at work or at home.  If you

continue for several weeks, good things will happen.  First, this

neutral response will become automatic, as easy as saying,

“Geshundheit,” when someone sneezes.  And if you do this consistently,

people will eventually brand you as a welcoming person, someone whose

door they can knock on when they have an idea, someone with whom they

can spitball casual ideas and not end up spitting at each other.

If you can’t self-monitor your judgmental responses, “hire” a friend

to call you out and bill you hard cash every time you make a judgmental

comment.  It could be your spouse at home, or a buddy at work.  If

you’re docked $10 for each gratuitous judgment, you’ll soon feel the

same pain you’ve been inflicting on others—and stop.

Excerpted with permission from What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter, copyright 2007.

Marshall Goldsmith is a world authority in helping successful

leaders achieve positive, measurable change in behavior: for

themselves, their people and their teams.  He has been named one of the

top 50 leaders influencing the field of management over the last

century (American Management Association), one of the five most

respected executive coaches (Forbes) and among the top ten executive

educators (Wall Street Journal).  Marshall invites you to visit his

library (MarshallGoldsmithLibrary.com) for articles and resources you can use.