Of Fish and Fishing Lessons
I went hiking with my friend Tamara this morning, and the walk was glorious. You get two minutes out of Boulder, and it could be 1910. There's an old barn next to the hiking trail, and we cross and re-cross South Boulder creek a few times along the way. The mountains look amazing from that distance and the leaves are crunchy after the first frost, although it was in the 60's by the time we went hiking. Great hiking weather. Tamara moved here from Portland because of her allergies. But she said "I have to be near water, as often as I can."
She got me thinking about water. One of my favorite networking analogies has to do with water - with fishing, in particular. You know the old saying, "Give me a fish and I'll eat for today - teach me to fish, and I'll eat for a lifetime?" I'm paraphrasing - you get the idea. This has everything to do with networking. What you run into, if you meet a lot of people, is a lot of requests for fish. Your gut will often tell you that the person you've just met really needs a fishing lesson. But he or she may not be open to that.
Among the eight zillion ways to network badly and to mis-use new acquaintances is the instant request. You know what I mean: you've barely met a person and s/he says to you "Would you know of anyone offhand who could use my services?" or "May I send you my resume?" We look charitably on these requests because they come from naivete - from people not quite seeing how networking works. People don't intuitively get that requests rest on the strength of relationships, and that personal credibility is the absolute cornerstone not only to effective networking but to success in business and in life in general. So they ask. And you wonder: do I give this person the fish s/he wants? Withhold the fish? Do I offer a fishing lesson?
It's a tough call. Unsolicited advice is seldom welcome. But we don't want to be unsympathetic or unhelpful to a person in need. Let's break down the problem.
I don't recommend handing over the fish that's been requested. "Sure, I will give you some names of people to call" only propagates the worst kind of networking: call it anti-networking. Now the naive networker will call your friends and ask them for more phone numbers. And he or she won't understand when folks don't rush to purchase his or her products or services. The key to networking, the person credibility piece, is missing. Building on relationships - that's missing. A distressing number of people jump into business opportunities, particularly people-centric ones like MLM businesses, thinking "This will be a snap." They think "I can talk to people." But of course there's talking, and then there's talking. People don't buy from people who merely talk to them, or at them. This is a tough lesson to convey directly, much less indirectly. And not attempting to convey it simply pushes the problem off on someone else. So I think you can't just hand over the fish and wash your hands.
But you can't turn your back, either. You can try a fishing lesson. You can say "I hear you saying that you could use some leads from me. I wish I could help, but you know, my relationships are the key to my business and my social health as well. I can't just give you a bunch of names. That wouldn't help you sell anything, and it would really harm my relationships. If you like, I can share some networking approaches that have worked for me." You can try that. Some people will not be receptive. But that isn't your responsibility. You handed over the rod and the line and the nightcrawler and said "First, bait the hook."
Not long ago I got a call from a woman who had a concept for a corporate service. Her target audience is corporate HR folks. She wanted some introductions from me. Of course, I asked her to describe the service. Then I said "This is a nice-to-have, far-from-essential offering. There is a lot of competiton already out there. I can see two obstacles that you will need to address. One is to help your prospective HR client with some ROI-type metrics. The other is this..." and I ran it down. I offered to help. I asked the woman to send me her materials when she felt that she had these two issues nailed down. And she said, "But I really want those contact names, now." And I had to say "But I couldn't recommend that you talk to my HR colleagues, right now. You're not ready. It's not credible. I can't in good conscience recommend you, yet. I hope that I can, once you work through these obstacles."
There will always be people who want the fish without the lessons. You won't be able to help all of them see the difference. If you make an effort, then you are not unfriendly, snobbish or exclusionary. You can only network with people who share your values. That's what networking is, in a nutshelll -- finding links and connections among people who share the same values. We can wish the non-values-sharing networkers well. But standing for our relationship values is not a negative thing, no matter how bad a reaction you get from a different type networker. It's a major positive. It's trusting your gut and speaking your truth. You can't get any more positive than that.
