Working Mothers: Ditch the Quest for Balance and Lose the Guilt!

Most working mothers (actually, almost all mothers I speak

to, whether they work for another company or they work by taking care of the

family and children) I speak to share one emotion in common: guilt. Guilt for

working, guilt for thinking of work while with baby, guilt of being with baby

when work has to be done, guilt for not seeing all of the ‘firsts’, guilt for

not making it to soccer games and ballet practices, guilt, guilt, guilt.

I believe at times guilt comes about because women believe

they have to ‘have it all’ or ‘do it all’. Be super mom, ensuring the children

are safe, happy, and healthy. Be super worker bee, ensuring all tasks at work

are completed to perfection. Be super homemaker, ensuring clothes are washed

and folded and put away, a healthy dinner is prepared each evening, and the

baseboards gleam when guests come to visit. It’s not possible to do all of

this, and so we feel, you guessed it, guilty because we can’t get it all done.

Shannon and Barbara Kelley, co-authors of “Undecided: How to

Ditch the Endless Quest for Perfect and Find the Career – and Life – That’s

Right for You,” say, “It’s like a game of Telephone, gone horribly awry. And

when, in our quest to have, do, and be it all, we feel we’ve fallen short,

we’re left with a big ol’ guilt hangover.”

So what can you do to ensure you enjoy what you have and the

things you have been able to accomplish? The Kelleys offer these tips:

• Accept that you can’t have it all. No one can have it all. It is impossible and, as the Kelleys say, it is also a basic principle of economics. “It’s called “opportunity cost,” and breaks down like this: if you are reading this article right now, you are by definition not outside, playing with the kids.” You can’t be in two places at one time, right? “You can’t have a full throttle career AND be home all day with your kids, and you can’t do either if you’re traveling the globe, footloose and fancy free.” Yes, you can do all of these things in your life, but not at the same time. So, what’s a mother to do? Say the Kelleys, “Look around at what you have chosen. If something feels off, make a change, but be willing to accept that you may have to give something up to gain something new – and that’s okay, because (all together now) no one can have it all!”
• Ditch the quest for perfect. There is no such thing as perfection in life and when you chase after it, say the Kelleys, you pass up a lot of ‘good enough.’ The good thing? As people age, studies have shown that they report more satisfaction. One theory suggests this is because we realize sometimes good enough is just that – good enough.
• Dispense with the shoulds. Get rid of feeling as though you should have done this or you should have done that. You can’t please everyone all of the time. Focus on your priorities, say the Kelleys. “Most women are hard-wired to please, but the happiest ones, with the happiest families, are doing what feels right ot them.”

I’d like to add my own tip, which took quite some time to

understand: Get rid of the idea of balance. You can’t balance everything, for

the same reason you can’t have it all. You can’t work eight hours in a day and

then go home and spend eight hours playing with the children. Even if you drank

eight pots of coffee, took a few shots of energy drinks, and kept the children

up until well past midnight, you couldn’t do it: there aren’t enough hours in

the day to fit it all in, so you'll never be completely in balance.

Instead, think of it this way: Balance comes not

by being perfectly equal but by understanding some days will be work heavy

(deadlines are due, client meetings are scheduled, work trips are planned) and

other days will be kid heavy (field trips you attend, trips to the zoo you

take, summer vacations you work hard to enjoy each year).

Now, I'm off to enjoy my kid heavy day. And to let go of the guilt!