The Top 5 Reasons I Am NOT a Flight Attendant

I have encountered so many flight attendants that I'm starting to recognize some of them from previous flights, and they're starting to recognize me.  Over the years, I've found myself having some very interesting conversations with them in airport restaurants, lounges, hotels, waiting areas, and in the back of planes.

While they enjoy certain perks, flight attendants are also abused beyond what most of us would endure on our own jobs!  Please, treat them with respect and remember -- they're trained to save your life, not to wait on you hand and foot.

Here are some of the most common horror stories I hear when I chat with flight attendants. Any of them would be enough to get me fired if I were in their shoes:

1. Dealing with people who can't count. I have no idea why, but there are an astonishing number of passengers who walk onto an airplane and simply forget how to count.  Over and over again, I hear people come onto the plane and ask the first flight attendant they can find, "I'm in 14-B.  Where is that, exactly?"  It would take the patience of Job not to shake that person and say, "14 comes after 13… which comes after 12… and so on, figure it out!" 

I'd get fired. Quickly.

2. Dealing with people who can't fasten a safety belt. Every trip that I have the chance, I ask an attendant, "Did anyone on this flight have trouble fastening their seat belt?"  With one exception, where a poor passenger had the misfortune to encounter a seat belt stuffed with someone else's chewed gum (why? no idea…), the answer is always, "Yes, I had to show someone specifically how to fasten their belt."  If you are over the age of 8 and you can't fasten your seat belt, I  would kick you off of the plane out of sheer principal. 

I'd get fired again. More quickly this time, probably.

3. Dealing with the abuse from management. It always seems like there is a dispute between the flight attendant unions and management.  During one recent struggle, the CEO of Northwest Airlines was quoted in the Minneapolis Star Tribune.  Regarding his airline's flight attendants, he said, "I don't know why a settlement is taking so long, they are asking for too many demands considering they are a bunch of overpaid vending machines." Wow. Several of the attendants I've talked to have told me that in a good year when they get scheduled a lot, they still make less than $20,000 per year.  Some of the newer ones make less than $12,000, and their CEO still thinks they're just "vending machines?" 

If I were a flight attendant and my CEO were on the plane and the plane were to have trouble, I would use all of my safety and survival training and skills to make sure he perished in the fiery aftermath.  Then, I'd probably still get fired AND I'd go to jail.

4. Dealing with people who snap their fingers and call you "Honey." Do I really need to elaborate here?  "Sir, I have been trained to save your life.  Everything else I do on this plane is an extra added bonus that you're lucky to get… so if you don't put those fingers back in your lap, I will grab them, break them off, and serve them back to you as a cocktail stirrer." 

I know, fired… then hospitalized for mental issues.

5. The uniforms. Polyester went out in the 70s.  I wouldn't wear it.  Also, there is a rule at many airlines that the female flight attendants must wear at least a two inch heel on the plane (ask an attendant what she wears for "Terminal Shoes" vs. "Flight Shoes" someday).  I would wear something more conducive to me helping people in the case of an emergency like comfortable cargo shorts with extra pockets for knives and flashlights and such.  I would also insist that the airlines pay for it! 

Then I'd get fired for insubordination.

EXTRA: If you have questions for Ken regarding business travel, hotels, airplanes, etc, please send him a “Tweet” on his twitter account.  You can also follow Ken on Twitter @foodbreeze!