In-flight Irritation

I'm a huge

Neil Diamond fan. He's opening a new

tour in St. Paul

in a few weeks and I'm holding out hope that I can get a ticket, and that I'll

be in town when he's here. My wife

doesn’t understand Neil Diamond, but she's a bit younger than I am and she

didn't know who Mary Tyler Moore was either, so what can you do? Neil wrote a song called "Beautiful

Noise" and while it wasn't one of his most popular songs, it was one that

I really loved as a boy. According to

him, a Beautiful Noise is:

"Like

the clickity-clack

Of a train on the tracks

It's got rhythm to spare."

I was

thinking about that song on the plane to Denver

this afternoon. You see, I don't handle

noises that repeat without rhythm very well.

I'm talking about a noise that repeats itself with random occurrence

that builds in irritation. From the

galley on this plane I was hearing a "TINK" noise that was driving me

crazy. "TINK," then "TINK

TINK TINK," followed by 12 seconds of silence before, "TINK TINK…

TINK!" After what seemed like an eternity, and with a slight headache starting to build, I put down my book and

walked into the galley to find a storage compartment door left unlatched that

was banging into the coffee pot, "TINK, TINK!"

The flight attendant was blissfully unaware. I shut the little door and latched it before she looked up from her

book, "OH, was that noise bothering you?" She didn't know the half of it... I was "this close" to solving the problem by ripping the door off it's hinges and handing it to her.

Some sounds

in this world are absolutely unmistakable, like the sound of kids playing in

the park, or the distant cry of a seagull over the thunderous crashing of waves

on a beach. Other sounds are equally

unmistakable but hardly soothing or enjoyable.

Not too long ago, I awoke from a nap in first class to the sound of

"sssssNIK, sssNIK." In my

dreamy half-awake state I thought, "Gee, that sounds oddly like someone clipping

their toe-nails… but I'm on a plane… right??" Yep, I was and when I opened my eyes, I could

have vomited! Yes, the man next to me

had not only removed his shoes, AND his socks, but was calmly clipping his

toe-nails as if the first class cabin of an Airbus A320 was the most natural

place in the world to do a bit of personal grooming. After I calmly discussed with him the nuances

of living in a civilized world, he put his shoes back on. It's a good thing too, because I could have

brought a mean case of flatulence to his little party had he refused to put his

nasty feet away.

Some

in-flight irritations require more creative solutions. It seems that there are a lot of people in

the world who have no idea how much they invade other people's personal space. People, please be aware that if you pull your

in-flight carry on down from the overhead bin, and place it in your seat along

the aisle, your butt will be in

someone's face when you bend over to retrieve whatever you're looking

for. It's inevitable. The more you poke around in your bag, the

longer your fellow passenger has to endure your derrière mere inches from their

drink, their face, or their lap. If I am

that lucky person, you're liable to find an ice cube "accidentally"

dropped down the back of your pants, or I might just decide to sneeze, loudly

and forcefully. You get the idea? Put the bag on the floor, sit down, and

rummage to your heart's content!

I apologize

that this blog sort of turned into my own little "airing of the

grievances" but my hope is, some travelers will read this and make their

next flight a bit more enjoyable, not only for themselves, but for their

neighbors also! Oh yea, today is May 5th. It's a banner day for United and Delta as they start charging $25 extra for a 2nd checked bag. Pack lite, people!