Little children everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief now that McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner has come to the rescue of his beleaguered corporate clown. For the past several months, Ronald McDonald has been under intense pressure to retire from this advocacy group for marketing unhealthy food to children. But at a recent shareholders meeting, Skinner loudly and proudly defended the red-headed mascot. “All I’m saying to you is: The answer is no,” Skinner told the critics, adding that Ronald McDonald is “a force for good.” Investors at the meeting eagerly applauded Skinner’s remarks and lustily booed those who stood up and painted Ronald as an evil clown leading unsuspecting kids down a path to obesity. After all, if a guy sold a billion hamburgers for you, you’d probably want to keep him around too – no matter how ridiculous he looks.
End of the world as we know it. It’s always something. If people aren’t outraged over an innocent clown who hawks hamburgers, they’re getting all lathered up over a bunless sandwich that’s held together by two pieces of fried chicken. The introduction last month of KFC’s Double Down sandwich – bacon, cheese and special sauce squeezed between chicken fillets – was viewed by many as the day the world officially ended. But guess what? The world didn’t end. It just got a little heavier. And now KFC, having sold 10 million of these beauties in record time, is threatening to make the Double Down a permanent fixture on its menu. The original plan was to give the Double Down a six-week run. But America loves it so much, KFC is going to keep it around for as long as customer demand remain high – or until the world really ends – whichever comes first.
The Quiznos curse. We have absolutely no proof of this, and the evidence is purely anecdotal. But it seems that almost every Quiznos franchise we patronize eventually goes out of business. And, conversely, every Subway franchise we go to just gets busier and busier. Maybe it’s just us, or where we live. Anyway, we were very interested to learn that Quiznos plans to open 600 new stores nationwide by the end of the year. The company also introduced a new program that allows potential store owners to buy a location with a mere $5,000 down payment. Here’s a piece of advice for prospective Quiznos franchisees – don’t come anywhere near our neighborhood. You don’t stand a chance.