I’ve got it. I’ve developed a solution to the outrageous unemployment rate that’s crippled the country, quarantined the economy and has made the struggles of restaurateuring more difficult today than ever before. And, it involves you. You just have to know how much butter you are putting on your bread.
My plan will immediately add unemployed to the employment roles. A larger segment of the economy will once again have disposable income. This will lead to a revitalization of restaurant business. Bursting at the seam crowds will be noticeable in eatery windows across
In turn, this will increase the need for the re-hiring of laid-off waiters, chefs, cooks, and restaurant managers. The plan may be difficult to fathom at first, every plan involving government has naysayers. But think of it as another move by the powers-that-be to make us, the restaurant owners of
The solution: The Calorie Counting Police Agency. If you notice I did not use the words, Police Force. Agency sounds better and it has a more “investigative air” about it.
The agency will consist of thousands; maybe hundreds of thousands of government employees who do nothing except visit restaurants, sample menu items, analyze calorie counts and do daily weigh-ins to see if they are gaining weight.
If the agency employees have gained poundage – a system will be implemented to calculate monthly weight fluctuations – restaurant menu items will be randomly lab tested and owners will be fined if calorie analysis exceeds stated calorie count menu disclosures.
Between the salaries of these thousand – maybe hundreds of thousand government employees and the expenses accounts they will need to purchase the restaurant’s menu items the industry cab single handedly revitalize the economy.
Coming up with this idea was relatively simple. While watching “Modern Family“ the latest sitcom to mirror American life: half the cast is overweight, plump and pudgy, while the other half is thin, fit and beautiful – the father has remarried a Spanish knock-out with an overweight, conquistador type grade school aged, espresso drinking son, another son from the first marriage is gay, married and has adopted a Korean child with his overweight husband, and of course, the beautiful suburban couple with the dysfunctional good looking kids may be the nucleus of the show – I realized half of the cast eats t the wrong restaurants.
And almost simultaneously during a commercial break the evening news aired a promo on the night’s investigative segment. Earth shattering stuff was about to appear. The “I” team, or whatever the roving reporter who had no news tips for the day is called, decided to focus what I will call the menu calorie disclosure act. . In the promo piece viewers were teased that the investigation had come up with surprising results when investigating stated menu calorie counts. Story at 11:00. I almost choked on my front end loader size portion of Graeton’s Chocolate Raspberry Ice Cream.
The results were stunning. The Cheesecake Factory, Chili’s, Baja Fresh and a handful of other culinary chain emporiums were targeted. The team bought entrees, had them placed in to-go containers and immediately air dropped them to a calorie counting lab in somewhere land.
One entr?e was 78 calories over the menu stated count. Another entr?e was 34 calories over the menu calorie count. Busted. Of course I am not going to divulge which chain broke stride with the chubby counter, but can you imagine – 78 calories over and it made the news?
It is only a matter of time my friends before the hair netted, white coat calorie counting agency reps appear at the back door. It will happen. Get ready. Now I am not professing to count your calories before they are served, but I am preaching that there is a solution to the recession.
And once something as dramatic as a calorie count infringement becomes the target of an investigative news team it is apparent that “The Agency” will soon be formed and organized by the government to police the amount of calories that are dispersed on each plate. Forget the fact that disproportionate servings can account for caloric fluctuation. That doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the calories on the plate, equal the count on the menu.
Hey, how about a Serving Size Police Agency to monitor the portions placed on each plate … Talk about an economic boom….