Ten Ways to Fake It in a Meeting

You've been meaning to review the materials, really. But time just got away from you. Maybe you were too busy watching funny clips on YouTube, or using the office copy machine to create birthday party invitations. Perhaps you had an extra martini at lunch and just want to curl up under your desk.

Whatever the reason, it's time for a big company meeting and you're woefully unprepared. How can you fake it so that everyone, especially your boss, thinks you know your stuff?

1. Read Your Boss's Body Language
Does he always squint and pull on his tie before putting the kibosh on someone's great idea? Keep a sharp eye on him and start to say "I don't think this will fly" a half-second before he does.

2. Use Important-Sounding Words
Does anyone in your company really know what "paradigm shift" means? Do your colleagues understand the significance of the "long tail"? Use terms like these and you'll sound impressive, even if no one knows what you're talking about. Rely on the fact that most people are afraid to sound ignorant and thus won't challenge you.

3. Play the Sympathy Card
Make sure everyone knows you're working under duress, whether from illness, too much on your plate, or because of mysterious "family problems." If necessary, come to work on crutches with your arm in a sling and a patch over one eye, but make a valiant effort to participate fully and take careful notes despite your obvious discomfort.

4. Learn to Read Upside Down
Sit across from the goody two-shoes who always memorizes all the memos and secretly read her copious notes. Then make comments based on things she has written before she has a chance to do so.

5. Always Blame Others
If you are asked point-blank where something is or what you think about an issue, and you have no idea what to say, the safest course of action is to blame someone who isn't in the room. "The freelance publicist never got me that information," or "I have six calls in to the supplier, but he hasn't gotten back to me" are good examples of this technique. Another handy scapegoat is someone who recently left the company or is working from home.

6. Use Colorful Expressions
"You've got to put some kibble where the slow dogs can get it" or "they're as happy as a dead pig in sunshine" might be humorous ways to refer to a huge corporate client, for example. Even if no one understands you, they'll all think you're charming, down-to-earth, and in touch with the common folk. Study the politicians who use this technique to great effect.

7. Deflect Questions Directed at You
"Obviously, we're all aware that..." or "That's a good point. And don't you think...?" are good starters to completely change the subject to one you know something about. Saying something like "I can give you an overview, and Jeremy in marketing has all the facts and figures" is a good deflection technique, especially if Jeremy is new and insecure.

8. Suck Up to the Boss
Laugh really loud when the big-wig in the room tells a joke. Then compliment her leadership, shoes, suit, and/or weight-loss program and mention one of her accomplishments (no matter how old or unrelated to the current situation).

9. Refer Incessantly to Past Triumphs
Make sure to remind the room -- modestly, but not too modestly -- of your previous accomplishments, even if you don't quite deserve full credit for them. Say something like "As we learned on the award-winning Hug-a-Moose campaign…" or "Let's try to surpass the amazing success we had with Murphy Meatballs launch."

10. Bring Snacks
Everyone likes a treat, especially during boring business meetings. Chocolate is always a favorite, but avoid the kind with nuts in case someone has a life-threatening allergy. Whatever you do, don't bring carrot sticks.