Chores - Why They Are an Important Part of Family Life
I recently gave my children chores, and so far all is going well.
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PrintI have a five year old and an almost three year old, and while I have given them 'jobs' here and there (take out the recycling for mommy, pick up the play room), they have never been 'accountable' for these jobs over a long term basis. Typicall I say, "You aren't going outside to ride bikes until this room is clean."
Until this week.
This week, I decided they were both old enough to start helping around the house.And so we created a chore sheet, which is now hanging on the refrigerator.
Someone said the other day, when I mentioned that my two year old would be helping with chores, that she was too young. "She just won't understand the point of it all," they insisted.
I disagree.
I believe we can teach our children from very early on the pride that comes with helping out the family.
Says Dr. Donna Tonrey, a marriage and family therapist at La Salle University in Philadelphia, "One of the most valuable aspects of chores for children is it allows them to be a contributor to the family system. As a contributor, they feel connected and valued."
In addition, she says, this helps them feel as though they are part of a team. Think about it: If we are always doing our 'own' thing - ie: mom is in the kitchen washing dishes, dad is in the yard mowing the grass, kids are in the playroom doing something totally different - we are not working together to make the household run more smoothly. When the kids take an active role in this - it: your son helps you wash the dishes after dinner and your daughter does some window washing - they are working with you to keep the home clean and neat and orderly.
"As a child feels more connected to the family system, they gain a sense of self connection, which helps the child when operating outside of the family system," she continues. "We all need connection and autonomy. Chores are a good way to help a child have a sense of both."
Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D., author of "The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go," says that not only should children have chores but they should be allowed to work with the parent to determine the chores they will do.
"Each child selects (key: parents don't assign; they let their kids choose) and takes total responsibility for 2 big chores that he/she likes to do and does well."
My daughter was the one who suggested she wash the dishes. While I believe her motives were of the ulterior kind - as a kindergartener, I'm not seeing her much these days, so I think she wants some alone time with just me after dinner - I do feel that her desire to choose a chore and to stick to it (she even wrote a note that said "I do dishes with you") was wonderful. And each night she remembers that this is her job, even if I forget.
Having a chore can make a child feel part of the order that goes into the household, says Susan J. Elliot, author of "Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You." It tells a child that they are safe and that they are valued as part of the family.
Kuczmarski also says that it is important for children to learn a leadership skill called "collective responsibility taking". They must learn that their help is critical to keep the home running smoothly. " If they don't do their part, there will be noticeable consequences for everyone involved. For example, the dinner is done, but no silverware has been set, results in eating cold food." This shows the child how valuable their contribution is to the family as a whole, and how one person not pulling his or her share can really change the dynamics of it all.
Getting Paid for Chores
So, do we pay our children to help with the chores?
Some say yes and some say no.
Kuczmarski says that a household allowance should not be tied to chores. Chores should be done as a part of living together and helping the family with the demands that come with running a household.
To me, this makes sense. While traditionally (or, when I grew up) kids were paid for doing chores, it stands to reason that they should learn some things we do because they improve the order of our lives - even if we do them without pay.
I do our laundry so we can wear clean clothes; I cook dinner so we can eat. This is aside from my paycheck; I do it to keep order, cleanliness and a healthy lifestyle in our family and our home.
Suzy Martyn, author of, "Enjoy the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most Common Parenting Challenges," agrees.
"After all, does anyone pay mom to cook or dad to drive a child to school?" she asks.
In addition to these routine chores that children are given, which Martyn says could include a small chore during the week (setting the table) and a longer chore on the weekend (washing the car), children could be given additional tasks to do for an allowance. This helps when the child would like to make a purchase, and it teaches a child to earn, save, and spend money appropriately.
So for now our children have simple chore tasks. My two year old helps to set the table, clear the table, and wash dishes (well, okay, they don't really get washed but it sure is a lot of fun to watch her play in the water while I clean up the food!)
My five year old is also responsible for these tasks and making her bed each morning before she goes to school.
To me, teaching my children that we are part of a whole, and that when we work together we do better for the 'whole', is important. I feel that part of raising a well balanced child is showing them how we can work together for the better of all - and I do think that this will strengthen us over time.
Do your children have chores? Are they tied to money, or are they just expected as a normal part of the daily life?
Until this week.
This week, I decided they were both old enough to start helping around the house.And so we created a chore sheet, which is now hanging on the refrigerator.
Someone said the other day, when I mentioned that my two year old would be helping with chores, that she was too young. "She just won't understand the point of it all," they insisted.
I disagree.
I believe we can teach our children from very early on the pride that comes with helping out the family.
Says Dr. Donna Tonrey, a marriage and family therapist at La Salle University in Philadelphia, "One of the most valuable aspects of chores for children is it allows them to be a contributor to the family system. As a contributor, they feel connected and valued."
In addition, she says, this helps them feel as though they are part of a team. Think about it: If we are always doing our 'own' thing - ie: mom is in the kitchen washing dishes, dad is in the yard mowing the grass, kids are in the playroom doing something totally different - we are not working together to make the household run more smoothly. When the kids take an active role in this - it: your son helps you wash the dishes after dinner and your daughter does some window washing - they are working with you to keep the home clean and neat and orderly.
"As a child feels more connected to the family system, they gain a sense of self connection, which helps the child when operating outside of the family system," she continues. "We all need connection and autonomy. Chores are a good way to help a child have a sense of both."
Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D., author of "The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go," says that not only should children have chores but they should be allowed to work with the parent to determine the chores they will do.
"Each child selects (key: parents don't assign; they let their kids choose) and takes total responsibility for 2 big chores that he/she likes to do and does well."
My daughter was the one who suggested she wash the dishes. While I believe her motives were of the ulterior kind - as a kindergartener, I'm not seeing her much these days, so I think she wants some alone time with just me after dinner - I do feel that her desire to choose a chore and to stick to it (she even wrote a note that said "I do dishes with you") was wonderful. And each night she remembers that this is her job, even if I forget.
Having a chore can make a child feel part of the order that goes into the household, says Susan J. Elliot, author of "Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You." It tells a child that they are safe and that they are valued as part of the family.
Kuczmarski also says that it is important for children to learn a leadership skill called "collective responsibility taking". They must learn that their help is critical to keep the home running smoothly. " If they don't do their part, there will be noticeable consequences for everyone involved. For example, the dinner is done, but no silverware has been set, results in eating cold food." This shows the child how valuable their contribution is to the family as a whole, and how one person not pulling his or her share can really change the dynamics of it all.
Getting Paid for Chores
So, do we pay our children to help with the chores?
Some say yes and some say no.
Kuczmarski says that a household allowance should not be tied to chores. Chores should be done as a part of living together and helping the family with the demands that come with running a household.
To me, this makes sense. While traditionally (or, when I grew up) kids were paid for doing chores, it stands to reason that they should learn some things we do because they improve the order of our lives - even if we do them without pay.
I do our laundry so we can wear clean clothes; I cook dinner so we can eat. This is aside from my paycheck; I do it to keep order, cleanliness and a healthy lifestyle in our family and our home.
Suzy Martyn, author of, "Enjoy the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most Common Parenting Challenges," agrees.
"After all, does anyone pay mom to cook or dad to drive a child to school?" she asks.
In addition to these routine chores that children are given, which Martyn says could include a small chore during the week (setting the table) and a longer chore on the weekend (washing the car), children could be given additional tasks to do for an allowance. This helps when the child would like to make a purchase, and it teaches a child to earn, save, and spend money appropriately.
So for now our children have simple chore tasks. My two year old helps to set the table, clear the table, and wash dishes (well, okay, they don't really get washed but it sure is a lot of fun to watch her play in the water while I clean up the food!)
My five year old is also responsible for these tasks and making her bed each morning before she goes to school.
To me, teaching my children that we are part of a whole, and that when we work together we do better for the 'whole', is important. I feel that part of raising a well balanced child is showing them how we can work together for the better of all - and I do think that this will strengthen us over time.
Do your children have chores? Are they tied to money, or are they just expected as a normal part of the daily life?
