Health Report: Verbal Abuse, How Words Can Hurt.

Entertainment Editors

NEW YORK--(ENTERTAINMENT WIRE)--May 11, 2001

A man's mouth can be as abusive to a woman as his fist. Glamour talks to one woman who escaped a damaging relationship -not bruised, but beaten down inside. When most people think of an abused woman, they picture

black eyes, broken bones and someone who looks in desperate need of help. But researchers and clinicians have recognized and studied the effects of psychological abuse, and they have found that it can leave scars that may be invisible to the eye but still very damaging. Psychological abuse is the use of harmful words and actions that are meant to control, intimidate, and psychologically cripple the person at whom they're directed.

Carolyn Spencer* (*name changed for protection) was a victim of psychological abuse. She tells Glamour that she and her boyfriend Matt began a whirlwind courtship, and seemed perfectly compatible. The couple married a mere three months later. But the fantasy quickly faded, "I knew something was wrong the morning after the wedding. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach that I couldn't explain, like something wasn't right," recalls Carolyn. While the couple was still lying in bed talking, Matt announced in a weird, ominous tone, "Things are going to change now." Less than a month later, Matt flew into his first rage. "He broke all of our wedding gifts, pulled curtains off their rods, pulled the phone out of the wall and called me a bitch, slut," she says. Just as abruptly as it began, his rampage ended and Matt stormed out of the house. When he returned the next day, he seemed very contrite. "I thought about leaving him, but he seemed genuinely sorry." Carolyn recalls. Two days later, she found out she was pregnant. Under the guise of being a doting husband, Matt imprisoned Carolyn in their home, not allowing her to go out for groceries or to run other errands. `Don't leave the house, I'll get it for you,'" Carolyn recounts. Every week, he would check the laundry basket and her underwear drawer to see how many pairs of panties she had worn since the last wash. If the pairs and number of days didn't add up, he would accuse her of being unfaithful. That the victim can feel such confusion makes Carolyn believe that psychological abuse can actually be worse than physical abuse. "At least if I'd had a mark or a bruise, people would have said, `She's not lying.'" she explains.

After spending two years fearing that the verbal violence would escalate to a physical level, trying to persuade Matt to go into counseling and always hoping for a miraculous change in her husband, Carolyn told Matt she had to get out. He was furious and said he would never let her divorce him. "I was terrified to let Trent see his father because Matt knew that hurting Trent would be the most effective way to really hurt me." Matt left 45 voice-mail messages in which he threatened to kill her, her coworkers, any man she was ever involved with and even their son. These messages helped her obtain a restraining order against Matt, which he violated, causing him to eventually lose all parental rights to their son. Now Carolyn works as a fund-raiser for a victims-services group that helps psychologically abused women. There's even a new man in her life. Carolyn met Peter and the two wed in a private ceremony on a Jamaican beach. And when she woke up the next morning, she knew she'd done the right thing. She says, "I'm where I should be," adding, "with a man who deeply respects and loves me and would never, ever abuse me."

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