Media Person: Pig in a Pokemon

Pokƒmon. What is it? where can I get some? How much does it cost? If I step on its head, does it die or just whine a lot? Does it even have a head? Can I eat it? Would it perhaps go away and leave us all alone if one were to simply ignore it? Will it turn my beloved firstborn son into a drooling, degenerate monkey boy? Does it go with Victorian furniture? Is it singular or plural? And can it be written without that stupid accent mark over the e? These are just a few of the many questions Media Person is asked every day by concerned readers about the latest annoying multimedia phenomenon to sweep across the globe and turn our children from obedient little darlings whose only thought is pleasing Mommy and Daddy into obsessed gargoyles who need to devour human flesh every 48 hours.
Well, don't worry. Media Person is here to answer all these questions and others you haven't even thought of yet.
How it's pronounced: The word has four syllables, with equal stress on the first three and none at all on the fourth. PO-kih-moh-nnn.
Where it began: In the dark, poverty-ridden suburbs of post-war Japan, a small, odd-looking young boy, Tojaki Mifutsi, collected beetles, peering beneath rocks and inside the shoes of his uncle. Some 40 years later, Mifutsi, now a small, odd-looking old man but still living with his parents and having cornered the world beetle market, thought it would be fun to invent a computer game based on his fantasy life, which seven psychiatrists, a school guidance counselor and the Kyoto Board of Health had failed to eradicate, despite increasingly desperate attempts. In 1994, he took the idea to Honda and was thrown into the gutter. He had mistaken it for Nintendo, located next door. But he kept searching, and finally success ambushed him.
What it means: Pokƒmon is a combination of the phrases "pocket money," which Mifutsi never had enough of, though he does now, Pac Man, an early computer game Mifutsi enjoyed, "Parkay margarine," which he eats in large quantities and "Hey, don't poke me, Mom," a slogan from a Japanese TV commercial for a popular brand of cattle prods in the 1960s, which Mifutsi also collected.
Where it can be found: in every known country (with the exception of Afghanistan, where even mention of the name subjects one to a penalty of death by being sucked into an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner while a boys choir sings the national anthem) and in every known medium. Pokƒmon can be played on Nintendo Game Boys, watched on movie and television screens, traded in the form of cards, read in comic books, listened to on CDs, spread on onion bagels like cream cheese, invested in through purchase of Pokemon savings bonds, studied at Pokƒmon State College in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, smoked in "spliffs" purchased from musicians or injected directly into the brain with a gigantic plastic syringe sold at Wal-Mart and other leading retail chains.
How the characters and plot are configured: There are 150 basic Pokemon characters, and any child between the ages of 4 and 12 can recite their names, favorite weapons, method of reproduction and the 10,000 supercreatures they may evolve into, except, of course, in Kansas, where they all appear at the same time, brought into being by a Divine Creator. The characters do violent battle, but, happily, no one ever dies, except the occasional parent who learns how much money his child has been spending to collect the cards.
Which are the most popular characters: Porkymon, a warthog with the brain of a supermodel, dispatches its foes by contracting the flu and sneezing on them; Pickyman, part thunder god, part obsessive-compulsive, can mutate into Manny Pokeman, the only Jewish Pokƒmon character; Skunkosaur, a kind of smelly reptile, is accessible only by placing a Game Boy inside a microwave oven and heating at half power for 10 to 12 minutes; Batooti, half wombat, half copilot, can make the game crash at unexpected moments; Philbin, the hero figure (Reege-san in the Japanese version), shouts "Final answer?!" incessantly and awards cash prizes.
Where it got its name: Oh, wait, we did that one already. Sorry.
Why it is such a hit: because it affords children the chance to be in control of a complex universe and for once accumulate knowledge in a subject their parents do not understand, thus making them feel powerful and masterful, as well as educating them in the domain of commercial transactions as they trade for Pokƒmon cards. While some experts contend that the acquisitiveness factor emphasizes cupidity and greed at the expense of altruistic values, others argue with equal puissance, "Shut up, or I'll hit you very hard and then step on you after you fall down."
What is its deeper meaning for the society? Virtually none, although it does keep the little beggars from discovering sex for a couple of years.