TOUMBSMAN

BY THOMAS MILLS
Year Trumpet
It seems that every newspaper, magazine, and television news program offers its annual end-of-year Best and Worst piece about this time of year. Rather than fight the competition, I will join in celebrating the good (but mostly trumpet the bad) of 1997 in the world of Actordom.
(Note: It's up to you to figure which of these are actually based in reality.)
A Less Perfect Union
August: Finally, after years of spending its members' monies to debate, re-debate, and double re-debate the virtues of merging the two performers' unions into one, the two behemoths almost have an agreement, when suddenly they realize that the biggest issue of all, the health and pension conflict, is a seemingly intractable problem. Ooops!
Still, members get another glossy mailer telling them that things are getting closer and closer. Perhaps another expensive national meeting in a sunny location might bring the two unions even closer to getting closer. And perhaps a vote might be offered to the loyal members before next year's Best and Worst issue of Back Stage West hits the newsstands.
October: Angel Tompkins, trying unsuccessfully for the third time to become president of Screen Actors Guild, has her name legallly changed to Angel Angeltompkins so she can be listed alphabetically ahead of incumbent Richard Masur on the ballots.
November: Aside from causing a few laughs around town, the maneuver fails and Masur manages to win another election. A generally disinterested membership turns out in record low numbers, with roughly one fifth of dues payers casting their ballots.
December. In what could become a name-changing trend, another union actor vows he'll soon change his name to A. AAAAAAsmith so that he can appear on the first page of the Academy Players Directory.
Pilot Pile-On
Winter, 1997: The intensive pilot season begins in January and wraps up after a busy 10 weeks. Strangely, no actor anyone knows is able to account for a single audition, or know of any other actor who booked a role on one of these new shows. Still, everyone agrees it was the "best pilot season ever."
March: In a shocking reversal of past procedure, the practice of going to network is reversed this pilot season. In the past, actors who were considered for lead roles in new series were paraded in front of network executives who wouldn't know talent from a grapefruit; but now anyone seeking a VP position or higher within the studio ranks must first meet with the approval of a roomful of 200 anonymous actors.
June: Long a temporary home for hundreds of actors who fail to find work during pilot season, Oakwood Apartments has a banner year and elects to become the Oakwood Apartments and Film Studio. The new company's first film is a family comedy about a colorful gaggle of 940 children who come to Hollywood to audition for a new Bill Cosby pilot.
Too Legit To Quit
June: Ragtime opens at the Shubert in Los Angeles to universally ecstatic reviews. Brian Stokes Mitchell, whose next stop will be Tonyland on Broadway, wows the crowds with his star presence and emotionally charged performance.
July: In a much smaller production of his one-person production, Me: My Angst, actor Andy AAAAAAjones elects to produce his show on-site at his therapist's office. During the 16-week run, Andy runs up a healthy medical bill and is only able to attract four paying customers--two of which are his mother. Andy then transfers his show to the Tiffany Theatre and inexplicably sells out for six straight months. It's true, that Tiffany is an amazing space.
August: In a sudden announcement, local theatre producers agree to halt the production of any show which has no plot and more than 14 nude men onstage at one time. Several shows are simultaneously forced to close.
September: Theatre Geo, the 99-seat venue on Highland, closes its doors after an impressive four-year run. A home for many new works and a vibrant addition to the local legit world, the closing is a major blow to actors and playwrights around town. In its place opens a printing press--big deal.
October: To promote tickets sales to L.A.'s growing theatre audience, Theatre L.A. opens its half-price ticket booth, Times Tix. Situated in the Beverly Center, the booth initially confuses people who expect gift wrapping and directions to Macy's. One patron is livid that it doesn't work like Moviefone. Eventually the idea works, and people enjoy the concept of entertainment that doesn't come with popcorn.
Screen Calls
The studios continued to make money hand over fist in 1997. They also took steps to rein in their security guards and teach them how to tell the difference between a real auditioning actor and one who is trying to sneak on the lot to drop off pictures. The studios also instituted a new plan to ensure that all parking facilities for actors are placed as far away from casting directors' offices as possible.
April: The DreamWorks Studio moves closer to the beginning of construction in the wetlands near Marina Del Rey. Thousands of birds and marsh animals form their own union, the Screen Animals Guild, in hopes of finding employment at the proposed facility in exchange for losing their homes.
Summer: Several blockbusters open and close, ensuring healthy box-office totals, good headlines in The Hollywood Reporter, and the completion of Will Smith's 4,000-room dream house in Malibu.
Self-Promotion
January: Actors get increasingly wise to scams around town and begin taking action. One angry performer storms the office of a sleazy agent and demands a full refund of her $400 registration fee.
February: Another equally pissed actor tracks down her publicist/manager at the Sundance Film Festival and makes her ingest yellow snow. Later that month one actor in Hollywood goes overboard when he enters Back Stage West's "F*** the Fliers" contest. Instead of tearing down those "Movie Extras Wanted" fliers plastered all over town, this actor begins actually chopping down numerous telephone poles which hold the fliers.
April: Back Stage West holds its annual and very successful ActorFest in the heart of the entertainment mecca--you know, right down the street from LAX. Thespians turn out by the thousands to see what agents actually look like, to locate the photographers who understand the concept of focus, and to see just how much damn competition there really is out there. For those who are turned away at the door, another kind of event is held down the block at Nude Nudes.
July: Perennial self-promoters Dennis Woodruff and Angelyne combine their unique marketing approaches to write the definitive book on over-the-top actor promotion. Buy Lots of Junky Cars and Show Your Boobs blows off the shelves at Samuel French, and a second printing is demanded by actors hungry for more tips like these.
September: In a show of solidarity, thousands of non-A-list actors staple their 1997 residual checks together and form a Christo-sized sheet stretching from the beach of Venice all the way north to Malibu. The total of the checks is $245.96. Driving by in his Porsche, Jim Carrey begins to cry because the stall in traffic means he won't make it to the bank by 3 p.m. to cash a check for 20 mil.
October: The paper grows editorially when the wonderful writer Karen Kondazian joins our ranks from that other paper across town.
November: An actor is dragged from his bed, arrested, and publicly executed for illegally receiving the breakdowns. The beheading seems harsh to many performers, all of whom agree that they themselves have never even heard of this breakdown thing.
December: Karen Kondazian's engrossing interview with ER casting director John Levey (12/4/97) causes mass actor hysteria at one local newsstand when the issue quickly sells out. Burning and looting soon ensue. Minor injuries are reported, but luckily George Clooney and Anthony Edwards are nearby to attend to the fallen.
Top of the News
Commercials: Women's work days are up. Minority employment is up. Disabled performers' numbers are up. Plain-looking white guys' numbers are way down. For all of these numbers, it still looks like the same six people in every commercial.
Internet: The promise of employment for actors in the ever-growing computerized world of cyberspace continues to grow if you are a porno star, direct mail-marketer, or Pamela Lee. Everyone else gets nothing.
Agents: Talent reps no longer even try to negotiate with ever-so-tight producers and agree to accept scale plus 10 for every actor for any role--except, of course, those who have appeared at least twice on The Tonight Show.
Managers: Same as above, just add five percent.
Producers: They don't want to pay. They don't like actors and they have nicer cars than you do. Same as last year. BSW