TOUMBSMAN

BY THOMAS MILLS
Year Trumpet
It seems that every newspaper, magazine, and television news program offers its annual end-of-year Best and Worst piece about this time of year. Rather than fight the competition, I will join in celebrating the good (but mostly trumpet the bad) of 1997 in the world of Actordom.
(Note: It's up to you to figure which of these are actually based in reality.)
A Less Perfect Union
August: Finally, after years of spending its members' monies to debate, re-debate, and double re-debate the virtues of merging the two performers' unions into one, the two behemoths almost have an agreement, when suddenly they realize that the biggest issue of all, the health and pension conflict, is a seemingly intractable problem. Ooops!
Still, members get another glossy mailer telling them that things are getting closer and closer. Perhaps another expensive national meeting in a sunny location might bring the two unions even closer to getting closer. And perhaps a vote might be offered to the loyal members before next year's Best and Worst issue of Back Stage West hits the newsstands.
October: Angel Tompkins, trying unsuccessfully for the third time to become president of Screen Actors Guild, has her name legallly changed to Angel Angeltompkins so she can be listed alphabetically ahead of incumbent Richard Masur on the ballots.
November: Aside from causing a few laughs around town, the maneuver fails and Masur manages to win another election. A generally disinterested membership turns out in record low numbers, with roughly one fifth of dues payers casting their ballots.
December. In what could become a name-changing trend, another union actor vows he'll soon change his name to A. AAAAAAsmith so that he can appear on the first page of the Academy Players Directory.
Pilot Pile-On
Winter, 1997: The intensive pilot season begins in January and wraps up after a busy 10 weeks. Strangely, no actor anyone knows is able to account for a single audition, or know of any other actor who booked a role on one of these new shows. Still, everyone agrees it was the "best pilot season ever."
March: In a shocking reversal of past procedure, the practice of going to network is reversed this pilot season. In the past, actors who were considered for lead roles in new series were paraded in front of network executives who wouldn't know talent from a grapefruit; but now anyone seeking a VP position or higher within the studio ranks must first meet with the approval of a roomful of 200 anonymous actors.
June: Long a temporary home for hundreds of actors who fail to find work during pilot season, Oakwood Apartments has a banner year and elects to become the Oakwood Apartments and Film Studio. The new