And now, a few words from your leader
Greetings, Earthlings! As the self-appointed Supreme Commander of the newly formed ruling class of web site development specialists (henceforth known as Lords, Sirs, Kings, Sultans, Chairmen and other appropriate variations), it brings me great joy to welcome you to the dawn of a new age in which we are in complete control of every aspect of your miserable, Java-encrusted lives.
You heard right. It's our planet now. You just log on to the Internet, click and transfer all your funds to us. If you're lucky, we'll send back some data, or maybe a DVD. When we're in the mood, we might even make the transaction fast, easy and efficient. But don't count on it.
For the last five years, we've suffered in silence while you've bossed us around like we were serfs in your pathetic industrial kingdom or, worse, your children. Launch the site yesterday, you'd bleat. Change the colors every hour. Add some animation. Port to NT. Link to SAP. Don't spend too much. And make everything download in three seconds through a 14.4K modem.
Well, forget about it, bucko. We make the rules now. Be happy we don't condemn you to accessing the Net through your microwave oven control panel.
Gives the title "web master" a whole new spin, doesn't it?
Are we all clear on the new org chart around here?
No?
OK, let's say you ask us to switch databases from DB2 to Oracle without taking the site offline. By pouring a cup of coffee into the server's vent grill, we destroy your company's entire web presence in seconds. And no one else in your organization has any idea where the on-off switch is, much less how to reload the backup tapes-oh yeah, we're in charge of those, too. Funny how they're filled with MP3s of Phish playing Pink Floyd covers. Whoops.
Good. I'm glad you're starting to see it our way.
Now, let's get down to today's agenda. We're going to be making a few changes in the planet's operating system. If you don't like 'em, here's two tin cans and a piece of string so you can build your own communications network.
First and foremost, no more Microsoft. We hate NT, we hate IE, we hate MSN, we hate their server software, and we especially hate Outlook, the Typhoid Mary of virus infections. My kids say Bill can continue developing cool games like "Monster Truck Madness," but that's it. From now on, all web sites will run on Linux and Apache. If you need a GUI, buy a Mac.
Second, no more dial-up modems. If you can't afford a big pipe, you don't get to smoke our dope. We're still debating the value of wireless Net access, so for now, you can continue messing around with your Palm VII and QualComm smartphone. Just don't use them to run your Pok?mon trading-card auctions on eBay unless you send us all your Japanese holographic ones first.
Third, say "goodbye" to AOL. All current subscribers will be migrated immediately to remedial text-only accounts accessible only through a UNIX command string. Every new religion needs its Satan, and for us, it's Steve Case. Breathing sulfur and lounging on brimstone is a small price to pay for destroying our beloved Netscape.
Fourth, we've just about had it with streaming video of talking heads in ugly ties clogging up our access points. Unless it's pre-release bootlegs of the next Star Wars installment, moving pictures no longer will be allowed on the Internet. Violators will be punished by cleaning up the hideously inept HTML programming found on every GeoCities site.
Oh yeah, banners. Poof. Gone. No more.
Same with Yahoo clubs. Usenet, or lose it.
I'm sure you get the idea. Web engineers are now the undisputed Masters of the Universe. But don't worry. You'll find we can be a benevolent bunch, as long as you don't interrupt our Command & Conquer tournaments.
See you at Jim Clark's inauguration ceremony. MC