"Alpha Moms": Managing the Work/Life Balance

Marla Smith and her 13-year-old daughter Jenna have a job to do every night of the week - prepare dinner for the family of four. "This is when Jenna and I talk. It is amazing how relaxed this time is. I really find out what's going on in her life," says Marla.

Dinner time is a planned respite

for Smith, the mother of two, who is also managing director of the Fidelco Group, the Millburn-based investment company' that focuses on real estate and corporate assets. In her duties, Smith directs investments and finance activities, and has overall responsibility for the chief financial and administrative officers of all Fidelco operating companies. Prior to joining the company in 198t>, Smith, now a Short Hills resident, lived in Manhattan. She began raising a family while serving as an investment banker in the corporate finance department of Paine Webber.

Smith is what is commonly being referred to today as an "alpha mom," a mother who has mastered the work/life balance: succeeding at work, at home and, mentally and emotionally, within herself. Alpha moms have reached agreements with their employers in developing flexible schedules where, as long as the work gets done, they can work at times convenient to them, their bosses and families. These women also understand, however, that nothing comes easily. "Having it all means having a tremendous support staff on two fronts. You need terrific people who support you at work and terrific people who support you at home," says Smith.

In this feature article, New Jersey Business magazine delves into the lives of seven women in disparate industries: architecture, banking, real estate, pharmaceuticals, manufacturing, association management and public speaking and communications, to find out how they are dealing with the work; life balance. Some women are business owners, some are top ranking corporate executives, some are moms, while others have not vet become parents, and some are caring for elderly parents.

What they all have in common is the desire for a good quality of life for themselves, their families and their employees. They are also over-achievers. Many feel they have to be this way in order to succeed in male-dominated industries. Others say it is simply their nature to be so.

The Trends

Many businesses, large and small, are realizing that flexibility is a good employee retention tool, benefit and motivator. According to the Families and Work Institute, 31 percent of organizations allow employees to work from home or off-site on a regular basis, and 73 percent allow extended career breaks for family responsibilities.

For women in the workplace, it seems as if their significant others are beginning to do their share of the household chores, chipping away the traditional view of the husband or father acting as the sole breadwinner of the family. In another Families and Work Institute study, fathers do 67 percent more housework and 50 percent more childcare than 25 years ago. In addition, according to Paul Amato, a University of Pennsylvania sociology professor, between 1980 and 2000, the share of U.S. families with a sole male breadwinner declined to 25 percent from 42 percent.

According to U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, as read in a recent article by U.S. News & World Report, working wives' contributions to family income grew from 26 percent to 35 percent between 1973 and 2003. Almost one third of this number out-earned their husbands.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

However, according to Mary Gatta, director of workforce policy and research at the Center for Women and Work at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, research also shows that women, even when they are employed, still bear the brunt of the domestic home labor. "In academic circles, this is called 'unpaid labor,' " says Gatta.

One reason this is still happening, she explains, is gender socialization. From an early age, boys and girls are socialized into certain responsibilities, certain jobs and certain life expectations. That plays a major role in their future choices and what is expected of them.

She adds that the idea that women never worked in the paid labor force in the past is false. "When we look at women, especially women of color and low-income women, they have always been working. But now there's the idea that (middle class) women have only entered the labor force in the past 30 years. And there's the mythology that they entered the workforce for [spare] money, not real wages. That explains things such as the gender pay gap - for every dollar a man earns, a women earns 72 to 75 cents - and the glass ceiling," says Gatta. She does add, however, that the pay gap is narrowing with entry-level positions.

Men also have a difficult time. Because of existing stereotypes, it is harder for them to take the day off to care for a sick child, for example. "There is certain evidence of that in the book 'Unbending Gender' by Joan Williams. All occupations are based on a gender perspective of the hard-working male and devoting yourself 24/7 to your occupation. For that to happen, you need someone at home to do the unpaid work," says Gatta. Because of the pay scale difference, it then falls upon women to stay home and be the caretaker because of the lesser income lost.

Gatta says there are some good family-friendly companies, but for the most part "we have a very gendered view of occupations." She adds the U.S. doesn't seem to value home care and families the way it should.

Commenting on the work/life balance, Rosemary Strawn, president of the New Jersey Association of Women Business Owners (NJAWBO), Hamilton, the largest statewide women business owners' organization in the United States, with 12 chapters and over 1,000 members, says women in business are feeling stretched. "We have a lot on our plate, while the majority of the household chores are still done by us. Many times we don't go to certain events because we have to do the taxiing (the driving of kids to and from school, sporting events and doctors appointments). It's not fair," she says. "Women and men went into marriage together and should share the responsibilities of the marriage."

Strawn is seeing a change, where women are working more and making more money. She is also coming across stay-at-home dads because women are beginning to achieve income levels where they can support the family. "I'm even seeing more examples where men are changing diapers," says Strawn. "But it is still not yet 50 percent equality."

Strawn, a motivational speaker and communications consultant who started her business on September 11, 2001, is a strong believer in "me" time. "Think of the airplane example. When there is an emergency on a plane, who is the first person you should give oxygen to? Yourself. A lot of times, however, women, especially mothers, are always taking care of everyone else. I say to them, 'How are you going to give if you are depleted?' Women have been putting themselves on the back burner for the longest time. They need time to reenergize and rejuvenate. They need to schedule 'me' time," she says.

If women don't schedule the time to take care of themselves, they begin feeling bitter, resentful and neglected, according to Strawn. "Stop being a martyr!" she strictly advises.

The Balancing Acts

The biggest challenge for Kathryn Metcalfe is time. "Given the limited amount of time anyone has in a given day, how do you make the most out of it for yourself, your family and your career?" asks the vice president of communications at Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation, East Hanover, and a member of the drug company's executive committee.

Metcalfe is married and raising two sons, aged six and four. She tries to plan her home life as she does her professional career. "I try and sit down and give myself a review every year and ask myself: 'What did I do well this year for my family? What did I do differently? Where do I give myself an A? Where do I need improvement?' "

Life in general, she understands, doesn't always go as planned. "I realize things always come up and sometimes work has to give, or the family has to give," she says. "I think a lot about a tip someone once gave me: 'Don't feel guilty about your decisions and choices.' When you are at work, be at work and give it your all. When you are home, be at home and spend time with your family - don't worry about the things you didn't get done at the office.

"I think in this day and age, women should be able to have it all, but we must be smart enough to know we can't have it all at once," she explains.

She agrees that women, even though working, still do the majority of the household chores. "I don't know if this is because of existing expectations or personal desires. In my own circumstance, it's a strong desire," she says.

Metcalfe's husband also has a demanding career. Global in scope, he travels regularly. "He tries to do what he can, but the reality is most of the decisions and day-to-day work concerning the house falls on me ... There are days when I wake up and say, 'Wouldn't it be great if I had a wife today who would go and do this or that?' "

The two lifesavers Metcalfe relies on are her mother, Trudy Comba, and Novartis. Trudy, now living with Metcalfe and helping with the boys, was a single mother who raised three daughters. "From her, I learned about being a good person. I learned about integrity, doing things that are right and being happy with what you are doing," she says. "That has helped me in my career and in being a better parent."

Regarding Novartis, Metcalfe says she never thought a company could be so supportive in dealing with family issues. She recalls that when moving from Manhattan, where she was CEO of the public relations agency Cohn & Wolfe, a nanny was needed. Novartis provided its nanny referral service, finding a company that would screen and interview nannies on her behalf. If a nanny is sick, Novartis offers a back-up daycare service through Lipton Corporate Childcare Centers, which provides five nearby centers.

When Metcalfe wanted to enroll her sons in summer camp, Novartis came to the rescue by holding a summer camp fair at its East Hanover facility. Metcalfe walked away with a pile of brochures eight inches thick, from which she made suitable choices for her children. As an added benefit, Novartis arranges for summer camp pick-up and drop-off at its facilities. "So I take the kids with me to work and drive home with them in the evening," Metcalfe enthuses.

On days when she feels she cannot cook a family dinner, Metcalfe takes advantage of another Novartis perk: ordering dinner from the company cafeteria and taking it home.

"I came to Novartis because the work I would dowould be challenging. What I found in addition to that is a very supportive work environment," she says.

Smith, at The Fidelco Group, says the company has been greatly supportive of her family responsibilities and flexible schedules. "Chairman Mark Berson has always been the kind of guy who says as long as you get the work done, you can do it wherever. So many times, I'm working at home," says the managing director.

If the company has, for example, four evening events to attend during the week, individuals will pick and choose the event suitable for them. "I try to limit the events to one night per week," Smith says.

But when duty calls, Smith has to answer. Recently, she had to go to Yonkers for a meeting dealing with a $3-billion redevelopment project. "I am responsible for all of the financing. I had to be there. I got home at 10 p.m., but the job was done," she explains.

Smith also must juggle her schedule with her husband's. "Our schedules conflict, but we work it out by prioritizing and compromising. It's easier now that the kids are older, but in the early days, if we both had meetings, one of us had to stay home."

Like Metcalfe, Smith was raised by a single parent. Growing up on East 72 Street in Manhattan, where her mother still lives, Smith recalls, "At the age of 13, I was the one who came home and cooked dinner." From her mother, she says she learned confidence, independence and ambition. "This is probably why not working was never an option for me after the children were born," she says.

"I am grateful that I have found a way to make things work. I am now 48 years old and going full tilt," she says. Some of Smith's friends who had worked, but became stay-at-home moms, now want to re-enter the workforce. "They are finding it difficult. It's almost as if they have to start again at the bottom. They have too much pride to do that. They have achieved a certain economic and social status and they are not comfortable working as someone's assistant."

Smith's observations corroborate a 2004 Center for Work Life Policy survey that found that only one-quarter of highly qualified women who wanted to go back to work could find jobs. Additionally, women who stayed out of the workforce for three or more years lost 37 percent of their earning power.

When Pam Rew became pregnant, the architect was "purely worried" about her professional life. While working for a Philadelphia-based architectural firm, she was dealing with a project that was about to begin construction in the field. "They said I couldn't go, because I was pregnant. In my place, they sent a man who had just recovered from a heart attack," she recalls.

Within seven months, with a seven-month-old baby girl, Rew was working at KSS Architects in Princeton, one of the state's leading architectural firms. "KSS offered a great opportunity," Rew recalls. "One thing I pointed out to the company was that I wanted to work four days per week. Today that doesn't sound unusual, but 18 years ago, it was. This was a small firm at the time where everyone was vested and important to the business. To the credit of the principals, who were three males, all with wives and children, they were willing to make the commitment. It has been great ever since."

Though Rew was working four days per week, she was putting in 50 to 60 hours per week. "The firm never suffered. It created this policy so that employees could have balance in their lives. We repay this with amazing responsibility, dedication and appreciation," she says.

Rew does a lot of recruiting for the firm, and flexible schedules are something she always discusses with people. "We don't hide this until it is needed. Today, both men and women employees are taking advantage of the four-day workweek. There are also people who come in early and leave early, and people who need to leave at times because of children's soccer or school plays.

Two days a week, Rew says she works from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m., sometimes at home and sometimes at the office. "I don't do it because I can't sleep, but because I enjoy the work. The work I do during the daytime is usually collateral duties. Being a partner, I am often on the phone. The work at night is project design. That's the part of architecture I love. It's art," she says.

Her husband Daniel, a partner at CUH2A, another leading architectural firm based in Princeton, also enjoys working these hours. Today the couple has three girls, ages 13, 15 and 18. Daniel Rew has the same flexible scheduling opportunities at his firm; therefore the couple is able to share home responsibilities. "We have different roles, but we both go to sporting events and school meetings, trade off on things and split the domestic duties," she says, adding that her husband is skilled at washing dishes and cleaning bathrooms.

"In general, I believe that working moms like me are doing much more than bringing home the bacon; we're bringing real-life skills and lessons to conference and dinner tables alike," Rew says.

Growing up in the family business, Lisa Hirsh, majority owner and president of Accurate Box Company, Inc., Paterson, saw her father, Charles, come home for dinner many times, but then head back to the plant. The company, established by Hirsh's grandfather, Henry, manufactures litho laminated boxes and custom folding cartons for a variety of industries.

"My dad used to say, 'You work hard and you play hard.' We understood the business was the priority. It put food on our table and on the tables of a lot of other people. That kind of work ethic has translated to me and my husband, Mark (executive vice president and COO of the company). Our three children (all teenagers) also understand that we are [at home] as much as we possibly can be, and if we are not, it's because we are working."

Hirsh joined the company in 1982, working her way up through a variety of positions and learning the business. "It wasn't until I started working with my father that I got an inkling of why he wasn't at home at times," she recalls.

When it comes time to be a mom and be with her children, she tries to be as flexible as she can. Hirsh also tries to be understanding of the people in her organization who have children because "I've been there and done that," she says.

Hirsh says that being a business owner gives her the opportunity to be more flexible than a middle manager at a corporation, for example. "That's a big positive," she says. "I have to answer, more or less, to myself. The other spectrum is, I always feel like I should be at the office, unlike someone in middle management who may not have that same feeling of guilt.

"I caution women who want to start their own businesses that they can't have it all. You always have to make sacrifices and you always have to make choices," says Hirsh.

For Karla Pollack and Paula Hartman, getting a new business off the ground tested their mettle when it came to managing the work/life balance. The formation of Association Business Solutions, Inc. (ABS), Trenton, five years ago meant working full days, evenings and week-ends for three years.

While many studies say women still do the majority of household chores, Pollack comments, "I don't think we could have gotten through the early days of our business without the support of our husbands. They provided the stability needed at home, from cooking and organizing calendars to mailing the Christmas cards and just being our personal cheerleaders. They made a difference."

Today, ABS has eight employees and more than 10 association clients. The services it provides include: member recruitment and retention; trade show and meeting planning; database and financial management; communications; government affairs; and public relations.

In developing the business and the workplace, Hartman says, "We wanted ABS to be enjoyable and interesting for everyone." The company's office manager has three children under the age of eight. In addition, ABS' communications manager has three children under age five and works from home. We are flexible with both of their schedules. We need to help in difficult situations," she says.

Asked what advice she would give women entrepreneurs today, Pollack says, "Have a passion for what you do. Plan for it and go for it. Once you are in it, be open to new directions and different opportunities that you didn't expect."

While many people automatically think of children when the topic of work/life balance arises, there is another side to the spectrum - caring for an elderly parent. Lucia DiNapoli Gibbons, regional president, Northern New Jersey, for Wachovia Bank, Summit, knows this challenge all too well. She is taking care of her 80-year-old mother who suffered a stroke four years ago.

"With an older parent, you are dealing with an adult who has strong views about their care and how they want to live," DiNapoli Gibbons explains. "Managing their opinions with what you think is best for them is a challenge . . . I feel for anyone who is taking care of children and an older parent at the same time."

DiNapoli Gibbons asked her mother to live with her, but she refused. "I'd be more comfortable with her living with me, but her view is that I work all the time and I'm never home," says the daughter. This is one of the reasons DiNapoli Gibbons moved back to Jersey City, the city of her childhood, to be closer to her mother who still lives in the same family home. "I'm only a few miles away and stop to see her after work up to four times a week. To make her life and my life easier, I hired an aide who is with her during the daytime. I also got her the Life Alert Emergency Medical Response system, which gives us peace of mind," says DiNapoli Gibbons.

When in meetings at the Summit office, DiNapoli Gibbons keeps her phone next to her, and glances at the digital display whenever calls come in, to see if it's her mother or Life Alert. If it is, then she will take the call.

What gives Gibbons peace of mind is the support she is receiving from Wachovia. "The company is very supportive of the work/life balance. We are focused on diversity and do what we need to do in order to support women and people of color in being successful," she says.

Approximately 70 percent of Wachovia's 100,000 employees nationwide are women. Recently, the financial institution was named a Top 10 best company to work for by Working Mother magazine. Wachovia was selected based on its corporate culture for women, programs and policies for childcare, leave for new parents, opportunities to advance, flexible work arrangements, work/life benefits, such as elder care, and other employee programs.

Conclusion

The work/life balance is becoming a prime consideration for employees when choosing an employer. For women in the workplace, the balance issue is even more important because they are still responsible for more of the household duties, thanks to the traditional expectations placed on them by society.

As for the new generation of women entering the workforce, KSS' Rew says, "They are an interesting group because they are thinking more upfront about balancing their lives and professions. My advice to them is, 'If you are sure about the field you like, then find the right place to do it in, where you don't have to choose between the career and the family.' "