ON THE ROAD

IMAGE PHOTOGRAPH1

An unexpected side effect of the media focus on all things 'insurance' is the lack of time (and enthusiasm) for wider appraisal of world events. Whether that's a good or a bad thing is not clear - 1 gave up watching TY news ages ago thanks

to the way it's presented, which explains why I perceive Drop the Dead Donkey and Anchorman as documentaries rather than comedy spoofs. (Slipped up by catching a snippet of TV news about the aftermath of the June storms. A temporary image of rain streaming down a 'pretend' studio window was superimposed behind the newsreader. Lord Reith will be turning in his grave).

I'm nowhere near high court judge standard yet, but a few everyday themes do occasionally slip through the net. For example, 'carbon neutral?' Now, what exactly is that all about? The personal radar triggered this query from a newspaper motor insurance ad jumping on the 'green' bandwagon.

Let me make clear at this point that I'm 100% in favour of 'green', but how exactly does recycling, not lighting bonfires, and the more global challenges tie in with motor underwriting?

I read on. It seems motor insurers like to be green, and will treat any motorist of that ilk as a 'good' risk. In other words - they'll get a cheaper quote. How does the customer prove they are green? Answer: by paying a penance - extra cash - based on how much pollution their car pumps into the atmosphere. Then they can sleep at night knowing they are carbon neutral.

So, yet another mouth for UK insurance buyers to feed in the form of projects like converting local generators in India from diesel to natural compost. Other schemes include energy efficient lighting in Jamaica, and coal mine methane capture and wind power projects in Mongolia. (Believe me, I am not making this up).

With motor insurance already quite competitive, adding a charge to 'offset' emissions sounds like commercial suicide. But these days never underestimate the power of any marketing ploy that contains the word 'green'.

The aforementioned advert clarified the carbon neutral theme. Previous glances at selfcongratulatory declarations from various organisations suggested they had miraculously (and rather intriguingly) developed a way of consuming their own emissions. Tricky - every time a gnat breaks wind, COi adulterates the atmos, so how do they do it?

The advert reveals that it's 'carbon offsetting' that's taking place, not the elimination of the emissions themselves. Ah! So these firms are still pumping out the gases, but have salved their corporate conscience by paying to reduce someone else's discharges. It could prove a paying proposition. After all, didn't the mediaeval monasteries make their fortunes doing something similar? Pay us some money and carry on doing what you do, and we'll make sure that however badly you behave, you'll still get into heaven.

No, I shouldn't be flippant about global warming, although I believe converting from diesel to dung may have its own aromatic consequences. The answer surely lies in the algae and the trees fixing the carbon and pumping out the oxygen. And hey, wasn't there a time when diesel was supposed to be 'green'?

What with the smoking ban, it's a wonder the politicians haven't done anything about bonfires. Those of the domestic kind probably don't contribute much CO2 globally speaking, but the smuts and smell certainly irritates on a hot summer's day when resting in the hammock in the garden with a gin and tonic. Perhaps our masters will look into this outrage when they've expunged the plagues of wasps and flies that lie ahead when the fortnightly refuse collections begin.

Talking of the smoking ban and monasterial theme as we were earlier, another news item that hit the peripheral vision was the prospect of 'No Smoking' signs among the pews in church - an enclosed space accessible to the public. If that happens, how long before all those joke 'No Farting in Church!' signs become a reality? In Victorian times there used to be 'No spitting' signs. How long before these have to be resurrected? If things go on this way, there will actually be a sign one day along the lines of 'Do not Deface this Sign!'

Green afterthought: It seems a shame that no one has yet been able to break water molecules down on an industrial scale into the component hydrogen and oxygen. Shouldn't be too difficult - there's nothing else in there! That would solve the carbon problem; provide an inexhaustible fuel; and halt the rise in sea levels. But then, what happens when you burn the hydrogen? H'm, think I'll leave that one to someone else and concentrate on getting this issue of Brokers' Monthly put to bed.