Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

AFTER CENTURIES OF STUDY AND DEBATE, SCIntists recently have concluded that our nderstanding of the laws

To wit:

Time is Flexible: It took Albert Einstein an entire blackboard full of equations to prove his theory of relativity, which says that time is different depending on where you sit. It's obvious that Big Al never made a sales call, or else he would have figured out this relativity thing with a hell of a lot less math. Time, we corporate lackeys know, depends not on the laws of physics but on who's asking whom for cash. If it's you wheedling for the purchase order or budget line, you'll show up on time in a suit and tie, smelling of the best cologne you can afford. If, however, it's you who is being sucked up to, you can show up 45 minutes late in sweat pants with an obvious case of flatulence.