Chaos Chronicles

Dear Diary:

My new killer schedule means less time to prepare the annual Dolan Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. Can a hallowed family tradition be downsized?

Monday, 4:33 p.m. "Barbecue the turkey?!" My mother registers a mix of horror and anguish. She is a staunch, New England-bred

traditional Thanksgiving advocate. Though I've only been hosting the Dolan clan for the last five years, she's maintained control over the never-changing menu for the last four decades. The introduction of a citrus-and-avocado salad in 2003 nearly caused a riot. Now, with my latest pronouncement, I'm worried about her blood pressure.

"Lots of people in California barbecue the turkey," I explain very guickly so that she won't interrupt-and I won't lose my nerve. "This year I just don't have the time to spend three days cooking for a two-hour meal. I'd rather have more time to enjoy each other than make three kinds of cranberry sauce. Fewer side dishes, not so many desserts, and we stick the turkey on the grill." I can't resist a final salvo: "How do you think the Pilgrims cooked the bird? Over an open fire!"

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Tuesday, 3:33 p.m. "No artichoke-and-sausage stuffing?" Sister Sheila gasps as we leave the radio studio. "That's the reason I come to your house."

"I love you, too. But don't worry. My sister-in-law is bringing her oyster stuffing. We don't really need two kinds, right?" I ask, hoping for a little low-carb support.

"But yours has artichokes!" Sheila sputters.

"I know, I know, but I'm streamlining. I want this holiday to be more about family, less about food," I rationalize, trying out my new slogan.

"Puh-leese, we work together every day," Sheila retorts. "We don't need more togetherness-we need, more stuffings and four-onion gratin."

Wednesday, 6:17 p.m. My mother and I are elbowing our way through the depleted produce section in search of shallots. What is this? Out of the corner of my eye, I catch her slipping a rutabaga into the cart. Busted.

"Mother, we're supposed to be simplifying, remember? We agreed to limit ourselves to two root vegetables: carrots and parsnips. Put the rutabaga back." Reluctantly, she releases the rutabaga. Is that a tear I see sliding down her cheek?

Thursday, 3:35 p.m. The assembly of siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and in-laws gathers around the buffet table expectantly. They seem to be waiting for more dishes to arrive from the kitchen, but there aren't any more. The questions start.

"Who torched the turkey?"

"Did I miss the artichoke-and-sausage stuffing?"

"Where's the rutabaga?"

Friday, 8:32 a.m. I know what I have to do. I go back to the grocery store. My cart is packed with artichokes, sausages, breadcrumbs-and another turkey, this time for roasting. I just need one last thing. I spy the produce manager.

"Do you have any rutabagas left?"

"You're in luck, lady. They're on sale."

AUTHOR_AFFILIATION

Lian Dolan is one fifth of ABC Radio's Satellite Sisters.