Crazy Travel Stories from 2007

I travel to San Francisco a lot. I stay downtown and I work downtown and I never get a taxi, I always walk to and from the office and I like to think I know the area pretty well. However, the last time I stayed there I took quite a curve ball. I was looking for a place to eat (surprise, surprise) and I noticed on the map there was an area called "The Tenderloin District!" "Wow," I thought, "What better place to look for a steak-house than a Tenderloin district!" oops. The Tenderloin district is NOT an American equivalent to "Little Italy" or "Chinatown." No sir. It's more of a collection of adult bookstores, drug paraphernalia, massage parlors, etc. I couldn't walk back out of there fast enough.

Last year was an interesting year for me, travel-wise. Every time I think I might have seen, eaten, or done it all, I'm surprised with another event that keeps me on my toes! Here is a collection of some of the craziest stuff that happened to me in 2007. I could go on and on with stories from past years, but I'd need another website…

Faithful readers will recognize some of these stories from past blogs. If you want more details, you can find them in those articles. Feel free to dig them up!

-Ricotta vs. Fetta, vs. Cottage Cheese

Staying at a Marriott hotel and ordering from their Chef-run full service restaurant should be a "good" thing, right? The menu offered "Crepes with Sweet Ricotta Cheese and Strawberry Sauce." Who wouldn't enjoy pancakes and ricotta cheese with berries, am I right? Well, the "chef" used Fetta cheese instead. Looking in the kitchen (yes, I walked back there) both cheeses were in a similar white plastic tub (gross) so I can see where he made his mistake. When I asked him about the Ricotta cheese, he said to me (in Spanish, which I do not speak), "Si Senor, El Cottage Cheese esta en el Buffet." I didn't want Cottage Cheese, I wanted….

Forget it. The whole experience taught me that there are no legitimate chefs in the vast majority of hotel restaurants (I had four "Dessert Chefs" prepare me some FROZEN cheesecake at a Hilton once), and the best food you can find is likely somewhere else; OH, and that crepes with fetta cheese tastes like a bad Caesar salad wrapped in a pancake. Ish.

-Literally, a Flight Attendant from Hell

Have you ever had a flight attendant who offered to tell you your future? Or one who professed to studying the occult and who offered to read everyone's palm? I have! She was certifiable, I swear to you… When I declined to become involved, she actually started weeping and crying and was upset that I wasn't having a "good time." My idea of a good time is not sitting on a flight for a business trip, having a 55 year old flight attendant on her knees next to my seat, rubbing her hands back and forth across my arm and asking me if I was ready for my "Palm Session." Where's my wife when I need her?

-Chickens on a Plane

This may turn into an all time classic. A Somali woman with a cooler full of ice and raw chickens sauntered right through security and wedged her cooler sideways into the overhead bin. Halfway to Denver the pink chicken-melt that had filled the base of the overhead bin started dripping onto the passengers and all hell broke loose. Good Times…

-I think I'm Turning Japanese

Imagine this: You've traveled across three time zones to the west coast. Its 9pm, but your brain is telling your body that its close to midnight and you're tired. You shut the curtains, you turn off the lights, you disrobe, go to bed, and you fall fast asleep. Now, imagine that you hear a noise and you wake up feeling a bit groggy and a little "lost." You slide out from under the sheets and you stand up, nude, only to focus on a small Japanese woman with a wicker basket full of chocolates who's asking you "Ahhhh, you want da turn-down suhvice, hmmm?" No, its not a dream… Its really a crazy Japanese woman who thinks that 9:30 is an entirely appropriate time to let herself into your room and wander over to your bedside. I went OFF on the manager who SWORE to me that I'd be "taken off the turn down service list immediately."

Fast forward to day two. Its 7pm. There's a meek knock at the door. Guess who? Yep, same lady, smiling, asking, "Ahh, you want da turn-down suhvice, hmm?" Its like something out of a Psycho movie. The manager and I had a quite a lengthy discussion later that day, over a strong Manhattan in the bar (I like mine with just a hint of sweet vermouth, straight up with two cherries). He paid…

-The Maid Ate my Cheesecake

I love the Cheesecake Factory. They have a very diverse menu and their food and service is consistently top-notch. Their cheesecake isn't bad either… when you get to eat it! I bought a piece to take back to the hotel. I emptied the top shelf of the mini-bar, stacked the contents on the counter, and stored my slice of White Chocolate Almond in there, nice and snug and secure. The next day, I woke up and went to work. I came back to the hotel and noticed that:

B) My cheesecake was gone. Yes, gone.

C) The container that the cheesecake was in, was sitting empty (void of all but a few crumbs) on the desk in my room.

So, what do you do? Do you get upset that the maid failed to clean the room properly, leaving garbage on the desk? Do you marvel at the technology of a mini-bar that's connected to the hotel's billing system and that will automatically bill you when you move a can for more than 15 seconds (It's true)? Or do you go NUTS that somebody ate your cheesecake? Well, you do all of the above but not necessarily in that order. When I was finished, the manager sent a runner to the Cheesecake Factory to bring me a new piece. Unbelievable.

-Planes, Trains, and Greyhound Buses

I'm happy to tell you all that this last story didn't happen to me, but to a wonderful co-worker of mine. She was all set to fly direct to Reston, VA on a regional jump-jet (I call them, "Buddy Holly Killers," is that wrong?). Her flight was cancelled, her subsequent flight was cancelled, her next flight was diverted, mid flight, to New York where Northwest airlines put her on a Greyhound Bus! Her bus broke down about half way there and no cab company would believe her and come to pick her up. Thank God she was half-way across the country when I asked her, "Why didn't you take an express train from New York to Washington, D.C.? They're cheap and they run all the time!"