In-flight Irritation

I'm a huge Neil Diamond fan. He's opening a new tour in St. Paul in a few weeks and I'm holding out hope that I can get a ticket, and that I'll be in town when he's here. My wife doesn’t understand Neil Diamond, but she's a bit younger than I am and she didn't know who Mary Tyler Moore was either, so what can you do? Neil wrote a song called "Beautiful Noise" and while it wasn't one of his most popular songs, it was one that I really loved as a boy. According to him, a Beautiful Noise is:

"Like the clickity-clack

Of a train on the tracks

It's got rhythm to spare."

I was thinking about that song on the plane to Denver this afternoon. You see, I don't handle noises that repeat without rhythm very well. I'm talking about a noise that repeats itself with random occurrence that builds in irritation. From the galley on this plane I was hearing a "TINK" noise that was driving me crazy. "TINK," then "TINK TINK TINK," followed by 12 seconds of silence before, "TINK TINK… TINK!" After what seemed like an eternity, and with a slight headache starting to build, I put down my book and walked into the galley to find a storage compartment door left unlatched that was banging into the coffee pot, "TINK, TINK!" The flight attendant was blissfully unaware. I shut the little door and latched it before she looked up from her book, "OH, was that noise bothering you?" She didn't know the half of it... I was "this close" to solving the problem by ripping the door off it's hinges and handing it to her.

Some sounds in this world are absolutely unmistakable, like the sound of kids playing in the park, or the distant cry of a seagull over the thunderous crashing of waves on a beach. Other sounds are equally unmistakable but hardly soothing or enjoyable. Not too long ago, I awoke from a nap in first class to the sound of "sssssNIK, sssNIK." In my dreamy half-awake state I thought, "Gee, that sounds oddly like someone clipping their toe-nails… but I'm on a plane… right??" Yep, I was and when I opened my eyes, I could have vomited! Yes, the man next to me had not only removed his shoes, AND his socks, but was calmly clipping his toe-nails as if the first class cabin of an Airbus A320 was the most natural place in the world to do a bit of personal grooming. After I calmly discussed with him the nuances of living in a civilized world, he put his shoes back on. It's a good thing too, because I could have brought a mean case of flatulence to his little party had he refused to put his nasty feet away.

Some in-flight irritations require more creative solutions. It seems that there are a lot of people in the world who have no idea how much they invade other people's personal space. People, please be aware that if you pull your in-flight carry on down from the overhead bin, and place it in your seat along the aisle, your butt will be in someone's face when you bend over to retrieve whatever you're looking for. It's inevitable. The more you poke around in your bag, the longer your fellow passenger has to endure your derrière mere inches from their drink, their face, or their lap. If I am that lucky person, you're liable to find an ice cube "accidentally" dropped down the back of your pants, or I might just decide to sneeze, loudly and forcefully. You get the idea? Put the bag on the floor, sit down, and rummage to your heart's content!

I apologize that this blog sort of turned into my own little "airing of the grievances" but my hope is, some travelers will read this and make their next flight a bit more enjoyable, not only for themselves, but for their neighbors also! Oh yea, today is May 5th. It's a banner day for United and Delta as they start charging $25 extra for a 2nd checked bag. Pack lite, people!